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We all live in a society. But in any situation?

Sometimes, in pursuit of politeness, we use it where we don't need it. There are also several myths around it that will help us to better use this tool of a cultured person.

Politeness means polite conversation with everyone, smiles, attentiveness and consideration. People are afraid that otherwise they will be considered boors, which will narrow the circle of acquaintances. In fact, each person has their own level of friendliness. For some, even a smile at a meeting and a handshake is not enough, while others are much more restrained. It depends on the psychological characteristics of the individual. In addition, we can corny feel bad, not get enough sleep or be upset. This will lead to the fact that we become less sociable than usual. And doesn't a person have a right to this? After all, we are talking about his life, where it is so important to maintain inner comfort. But even if a person feels bad, you should not be rude to others. But don't force yourself to smile when your heart is bad or just painful. After all, this can come out very unnatural, so that the interlocutors will suspect you of hypocrisy, which is even worse.

The stranger calling the doorbell with the advertisement is worth listening to. In such a situation, he tends to slam the door in front of his nose so as not to listen to unnecessary and uninteresting advertising. But this may seem impolite! So we have to hear about German dishes, unique books and always sharp knives. It should be understood that the entrance to the apartment is our border territory. There is no need to listen to a person just because we opened the door for him. It can be closed just as easily. Thus, the visitor will not be insulted, he is simply denied attention. And it turned out this way because his visit, like drawing attention to himself, was not initially authorized. Given this fact, polite people on the phone will always ask in advance if they can take a few minutes from the interlocutor. Then the person can calmly answer, communicate or not. And obsessive sellers do not give such a choice, giving rise to such a myth. And he works only as long as the overly polite person himself believes in him.

A polite person should always have a consistent opinion. Some people think that changing their point of view is simply not solid. But after all, the continuation of support for an already irrelevant opinion only out of politeness is an indicator of weakness, not strength. After all, a person does this out of fear, if others do not understand this, they will certainly feel it. And it’s tiring to remember every moment what opinion and on what issues you expressed earlier. Will a person be ready for an awkward situation when his different points of view come up? After all, such a situation will become an emergency, usually people either get lost, or start making excuses, or even completely abandon their words. But will it add solidity in the eyes of the interlocutors?

For a person to be correctly understood, one must explain one's actions. If someone doesn't like them, they should be apologized for. It seems that other behavior can lead to resentment from others. In fact, no one is obliged to constantly explain the meaning of their actions, especially if no one asks about it. In relationships, people often work proactively. For example, a wife asks her husband if he has bought food. The husband begins to apologize and explain why he didn't. But the wife is no longer interested in this point of view, she is already in the store and wants to know what exactly to buy for her. We behave in the same way with regard to our feelings. Therefore, even if we are asked for explanations, it is our own business to provide them or not. It will be polite to provide explanations to those with whom there is any personal or work relationship, and even then, if requested. This is what defines politeness in a relationship. It is not worth explaining to a simple seller why you do not want to purchase his goods, this has nothing to do with politeness.

Everyone needs to be liked and have a good reputation. But a bad opinion must be corrected as quickly as possible. Will it be polite to seem bad? The fact is that attempts to correct the impression of yourself can only ruin the situation. As a result, in pursuit of politeness, a person will acquire a negative reputation. If a mistake is made, then you should not appear to be someone else and prove your right to take this step. You just have to admit the wrong act and, if necessary, apologize for it. After all, if a person is thought badly only on the basis of his well-established opinions, sports preferences or political views, then this cannot be corrected by any means. Psychologists say that we do not come into the world to meet the expectations of other people. A person must learn to understand each other and respect someone else's point of view. If he cannot, then nothing can be done in this case. And in trying to be polite and to please everyone, we just harm ourselves. People begin to think about us that we have no core, that we are weak. How can you respect someone if they don't respect themselves?

It is better for a person to make as few mistakes as possible, and if this does happen, then out of politeness one should feel guilty. Who said mistakes are necessarily bad? Indeed, in this way a person pays for his invaluable experience. No wonder the proverb says that the one who does nothing is not mistaken. However, this approach does not mean that you can stop taking responsibility for your actions. And a simple feeling of guilt paralyzes a person. After all, if there is guilt, then there will inevitably be punishment. A mistake-guilt-punishment chain is built. But after all, no one wants to be punished, therefore, everyone is afraid of making mistakes. The chain begins to take shape in the opposite direction - we are afraid of punishment, we are afraid of mistakes, and, as a result, we begin to evade action. This leads to the fact that people are afraid to get acquainted, communication with a new person for themselves is difficult. And sometimes an attempt is made to fence off a stone wall from loved ones. But when there is no fear of punishment, nothing prevents you from taking responsibility. A new chain is being built - error-responsibility-correction. For example, an accidental resentment of someone requires not punishment, but a correction of the situation, in this case an apology. If a conflict occurs due to a misunderstanding, then you can try to clarify what happened. As a result, a person can remain open and honest in relation to himself and those close to him, if there is no fear of mistakes or too close communication with someone.

A polite person will never say that he is not interested in this or that he does not understand what is at stake. People, out of politeness, are afraid to appear narcissistic. First of all, do not be intimidated by words starting with "I". In communication, the so-called "I messages" are quite acceptable. You can say anything about yourself if it describes our feelings. But the phrase "I think this is nonsense" is unacceptable, since it contains an assessment of a person and his words. But saying “I’m distracted” or “I feel bad” is perfectly acceptable for a constructive conversation. Phrases that are more like diagnoses, "nonsense", "this is nonsense," "this is stupid," also cannot be used. It is difficult to reach an agreement if the interlocutor is addressed with “you don’t understand”, “you are talking nonsense”, “you do not understand this issue”. It is then that there will be a feeling that a person has excessive ambition and lack of flexibility.

It's a shame to say that you don't know something. There are very few people with encyclopedic knowledge; an ordinary person cannot know everything. But not everyone can admit this. Attempts to pose as an expert are easily suppressed even by teenagers. It is known that schoolchildren respect those teachers who do not seek to show their absolute awareness of all issues, but honestly admit that they do not know something. In this situation, it would be appropriate for the teacher to promise to study the question and give the correct answer in the next lesson. Unfortunately, people find it impolite to admit they don't know. After all, it seems that it is easier to create the illusion of knowledge than to actually try to understand the problem. The simplest thing to do is to say that it's just not interesting. After all, not knowing a subject that is indifferent to you is not at all shameful.

Even if you need help, don't show it. People are often afraid to admit they are lost, or to ask where the nearest toilet is. We all sometimes need help or even empathy. But for some reason, it is believed that such requests are impolite, moreover, they demonstrate weakness and powerlessness. But following such a myth only makes the situation worse, especially if the question concerns several people. As a result, a large project may arise, as one employee refused to acknowledge the problem and ask for help. Marriages break up, as one of the spouses does not want to talk about their problems. The disease progresses and passes into a severe stage, since the patient did not consult a doctor in a timely manner. In fact, a timely request for help is an indicator of a mature attitude towards life. In this case, it becomes clear that it is precisely the one who is not who wants to show himself as an adult and independent. On the contrary, inside he feels insignificant and weak, afraid of exposure. And our whole society is quite childish, so this myth has taken root.

It is imperative to earn credibility and prove your worth. The desire for authority is considered by many to be very natural and polite, because otherwise a person may lose respect. But it is worth repeating again that they respect the one who respects himself. For a normal person, having authority is a natural task; he does not constantly think about how to win and keep it. He just communicates with everyone, and people respect him for something. And thoughts about gaining authority and its further maintenance come to minds of those who do not have it. If we are constantly in a state of invisible struggle for the respect of others, and it still does not exist, then maybe it's time to change our methods? And the statement about the need to fight for authority and fear of losing it is actually absurd. And getting rid of all the above myths will allow you to both become an authority and remain a really polite person.

Watch the video: Politeness theory (June 2022).